Kenneth James
Network
Script Executive
Malapert Entertainment
Mrs Jean Barber,
Director of Activities
Argyle Street Kindergarten
14 Argyle Street
Dear Jean,
Recently I attended your Nativity play, entitled ‘Argyle Kinder’s Nativity
Play’. My four year old son, Dalton, played Wise Man # 2 or Frankincence Man. I
thought as a professional courtesy I’d send along my thoughts.
Firstly your
title needs work and I feel this may be the cause of the empty seat situation.
Something with ‘Quest’ in the title may be the answer or even ‘Star of the
Night’ to tap into the popularity of the Idol/Got Talent phenom. People always
like the ‘hero emerging’ tale which is why they go for these shows, but in
storytelling terms we're in the realm of the Matrix or Harry Potter.
The Logline on
your flier really needs work; ‘The Birth of Jesus’. There’s no real hook here,
so what? When my son arrived, the build-up admittedly was extraordinary, then
he just lay there for months, couldn’t even lift his head. I question if Jesus
is your protagonist? Try: A working class family struggle to make ends meet
until they discover their newborn son is the answer to their prayers. Now I’m
interested – what are they going to do with him? How does he answer their
prayers? Maybe they enter him in a ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ type show? The point is
I want to find out.
Now to the play
itself – I didn’t feel the characters of Mary or Joseph are fully fleshed out.
You say Joseph is a carpenter but we never really see this. Surely, given his
wife is pregnant he could fashion some kind of cart for her to ride in behind
the donkey?
Also, Mary really
just sits passively and allows things to happen to her. She needs to be
pro-active. Possibly when she’s denied a room in the hotel she can purposefully
choose the stable as a protest. On the doorstep of the hotel, bedding down in
squalor she could actively demonstrate the hotel’s heartlessness. I could see a
whole Norma Rae sequence here that would open this up to a much wider female
demographic. A quick note of warning on this, her demands need to be reasonable
– we don’t want Mary coming off as a strong armed feminist.
The setup of the
first act seems rushed. We’re given a large amount of information about a
census in a quick narrative. Of course rule number one is show, don’t tell, so
I would suggest we see the family at home, Joseph at work, Mary in the kitchen
and they’re complaining about the bills, the neighbours, Joseph’s a little
stressed by his work – maybe a dovetail joint that's just not coming together.
There’s an
opportunity for some humour with heavily pregnant Mary, perhaps a sudden
craving for an egg and bacon roll. How would Joseph react to this and in his
very orthodox neighbourhood mayhem ensues as he tries to fill Mary’s request.
We want people relating to these two as real people, so when the demand comes
to travel to Bethlehem for the census we know how inconvenient this is for
them.
The transition
into the second act seems arbitrary. Where are the hurdles of the decision?
Where are their alternative choices? Do they go to be counted or blow the
Romans off and at what risk if they do? I would go with Joseph fashioning a
cart, perhaps he could tie the whole trip into a work opportunity to expand his
business into carts, giving us more inroads into the aspirational middle class
demographic. Has he considered being a new cart dealer? There’s always good
mileage in the banter of an unscrupulous salesman.
And have you
missed a moment at the birth? Joseph's elation as he declares, "He has my
eyes!" And a knowing look from Mary. I wouldn't overplay this, but let the
observant in on the joke.
The conflict over
the hotel room is well handled, except you miss a perfect opportunity for Mary
and Joseph to seed a payback moment with the manager, ala ‘Pretty Women’.
Imagine Mary with the glowing newborn in her arms striding back to the manager
in his lobby – “Your hotel could have had free advertising for the rest of
time, but you turned me away. Big mistake. Huge!” This could well become the
most quoted moment if handled correctly.
The three wise
men seem to be lost in a field, making me wonder whether you’re being ironic
with their titles. They follow a bright star to the manger and hand over
expensive gifts. I understand what you’re going for here, but it stretches
believability that anyone can pinpoint a single dwelling from the rays of an
orb millions of light years away. Why not a flaming meteorite? Doesn’t have to
be large and it could literally explode into the manger and set the place on
fire. This would appeal to action fans and serve as a metaphor regarding the
role of Jesus to come – a hint towards a sequel.
Your final act,
while well intentioned – savior of the world, leader of mankind, here to guide
and redeem us, blah blah blah, worries me because of the passivity of the
characters. You’ve told us Jesus is the chosen one so let’s see some of that in
him. Dare I say – “Look who’s talking”. I really think there's a possibility of
eight or nine passes with this as a franchise if played right – “The Diary of a
Whimpy Jew”. The sky’s the limit if you’re willing to consider what I think is
no more than a tweak towards your next draft.
Looking forward
to seeing what you come up with.
Best,
Ken.
Reviews: From Amazon
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
Posted December 1, 2012
Great read.
A story filled with with love, hate, violence, peace and so much more. 538 pages of wondering what will happen
next. A FULL story from start to finish. Thanks to the author for sharing a great work with the readers.
Posted July 8, 2012
Couldn't put it down...
For this to have been a free book, it was wonderful. The author keeps you on the edge of your seat. I couldn't
put this down. I think this would make a great movie!
Posted April 20, 2012
Amazing
Perfectly written with great detail it was thought provoking and asked the fundemental question of would you
stick up for what you believed was right even if you would be killed for doing so.
Posted April 5, 2012
This book is AWESOME! it keeps you wanting to read the entire ti
This book is AWESOME! it keeps you wanting to read the entire time. It tells of 2 worlds, and both are
extremely unique. One of the best books I've ever read!
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