Little whores called Bratz.

I've never been great with children. 

They've always seemed unnecessarily loud and fragile to me. At least when I’ve stepped on one. 

Effective to avoid stepping on a child.

My brother has children - largely due to wine from a box, but surprisingly they are lovely kids. My niece is especially sweet, although when she turned one I was suddenly expected to buy some sort of present for her.

I spent a long time thinking about what to buy and finally decided to buy her a good bottle of scotch. Johnny Walker Blue. Her mother was extremely unimpressed with me, but my niece played with the paper and my brother and I got shit-faced. So three people approved my present and only one disapproved. That’s a win in my book. Majority rules!

On my niece’s second and third birthday I bought her exactly the same thing - figuring it had served me well once, why not again, and again. The second birthday was fine, but it turns out for the next, I had severely underestimated the grip of a three year old girl and she refused to give up the bottle.

So for her fourth birthday I finally admitted I needed help. I asked my brother what I should buy for a four year old girl’s birthday present. I was told a Bratz doll. Now I hadn’t been in a toy store for over twenty years, so I went to Toys’R’Us and asked the salesperson to direct me to the Bratz dolls - she did. I rounded the aisle and there they were, floor to ceiling hooker dolls.

Exactly what demographic are Bratz dolls being marketed towards? How many people know a 3 to 12 year old girl, or know of someone who has a girl aged 3 - to 12, who is a complete whore?

These dolls are designed to represent every nationality as well, because it’s never too early to teach girls they can look and act like whores, regardless of what country they’re born in. Some of the dolls were leaning out from the shelves, calling out to me, trying to catch my eye. They all offered a good time. I couldn’t help thinking how totally inappropriate they were for any little girl. These dolls should be banned, not pushed towards the future women of the world as 12 inch role models.

So I bought one. I figured - what the hell, she’s not my kid. And I took my doll home, ready for the birthday party where I’d hand Bratz the hooker doll over to my sweet, innocent four year old niece.

Unfortunately, before I had a chance to give the doll over, the doll got up and left the house. I didn’t even know she’d gone, I just heard the front door click and when I checked the house I realised ‘Bubbles’ Bratz the hooker doll had left.

I waited up. I worried until well after 3AM. I imagined so many terrible scenarios. Maybe she’d becomes a chew toy for some neighbourhood dog, or was she now headless by the hand of the sticky ten year old boy from next door. Finally, when I had worried myself half to death, ‘Bubbles’ finally arrived home. No excuses or explanation about where she’d been, but I noticed she had a whole lot of money in her pockets. Once again I was disgusted. 

These dolls are aimed at little girls as something to aspire to and they are dressed as pole dancers, street walkers and Hooters waitresses. What sort of message are we sending to the next generation of women and, who is it designing these dolls. Please don’t tell me it’s men!

So, after all this outrage and disgust over the message delivered by these dolls and my feelings towards that message,I did what any responsible adult would do in these difficult economic times - I bought another 6 Bratz dolls.

Now I’m a Bratz pimp.

I also bought a G.I. Joe doll with some Bratz outfits sold separately. G.I. Joe in fishnet stockings is now my biggest earner.