Friday, 2 August 2013

World's Got Religion

Welcome back to World’s Got Religion. If you’ve missed any of tonight’s show, let’s do a quick recap of all the acts trying to win a place in your hearts.

First, we introduce our judges – Simon Cowell, Sharon Osborne and Howard Stern: forthright, funny and fair, as always.

Let’s start with some of the auditions that didn’t go so well, step on up, Hillsborough Baptist Church.

Howard: Really? Have you actually listened to how you sound?
Sharon: I love every one. I think you all know that, but I hated you. With a passion!

Simon: Get off! Go, now. Try something else, other than religion.

Next up – Atheists.

Howard: Stop, stop, stop, thank you. What’s going on? Have they lost your tape or have you forgotten the words?

Atheist: This is the act.
Howard: What? Just sitting there, doing nothing.
Atheist: I don’t have to do nothing. You want me to do something? Because I can do whatever I want.
Howard: Is it building up to a big finish?

Atheist: No.
Howard: Then what’s the point?
Atheist: Yes, now you’re getting it.

Then we had the Amish. Howard and Sharon simply didn’t get it, but Simon, as always, cut to the heart of the problem.

Simon: “How are we to know? You refused to use the microphone. We could sort of hear you, but good luck to any one sitting up the back.”

Next came the Scientologists 

And from our judges.

Howard: “The equipment, the set up, it all looked fantastic – then Meh.”
Sharon: “I liked how it was all… shiny.”

Simon: “Look, guys, it’s pretty clear you’re hearts are in the right place, but faith isn’t science. You really need to go away and rethink the whole thing.”

The Rastafarians didn’t even wait for the judge’s vote. They made it half way through their act before forgetting their words. We think they said something about food and then wandered off stage. When we caught up with them to try and get them back out to finish their audition they asked, “What audition?”

And that left us with the groups who did get our audience on their feet, chanting, clapping, screaming Hallelujah.

First up Judaism; 

Our Judges said: 

Sharon: “Loved it, really, really good and I can tell you’ve put a long, long time into getting that right. Well done. If I had to be super critical – not sure about ‘no bacon’.

Howard: “You had me before you even walked on. This is for me. I honestly tried not be drawn in to what you were doing for a whole bunch of reasons, but in the end, what can I say, Mazel tov.”

Simon: “Yeaaaaah, good. But it’s almost the same act as some of the others we’ve seen. And those acts brought a lot more color and movement; the Pope with his red shoes and pointy hat for instance. It might just be a presentation issue. I don’t know. I guess a lot of people do like the older material. I’m just worried you may be splitting the vote. Still, good job, yo from me.”

And what is our show without some controversy between judges? It all started when Howard said some things that lit up the social media networks. Here’s what happened after the Buddhists finished their act:

Howard: “I know I’m going to get in trouble for this, but the elephant in the room is you; the big half naked guy in the middle. You have a weight problem, Sir.”
Simon: “Oh, come on. What does that matter?”
Howard: “You’d be happy to look at that tummy every day?”
Sharon: “I think it’s a cute tummy.”
Simon: “Looks aren’t what matters. This is about performance, besides everything can change.”
Howard: “And if he changes he’ll alienate the chubby chasers who already like him.”
Simon: “Any weight he loses may improve his performance, change doesn’t mean loss.”
Howard: “I just see a fat man in a caftan.
Simon: “Then I suggest you look a little deeper.”
Sharon: I do like the orange though. I’d keep that.

Fortunately for everyone things quickly settled down as the big acts just kept coming. We had the Muslims and there very charismatic central figure.

 And they found a friend in Sharon.

Sharon: “I loved it, spot on: peace, good will, help the poor. You were the absolute bomb!”
Simon: “Oh Sharon, come on! Think about what you’re saying! For God’s sake, don’t just blurt things out.”
Sharon: “Why? What did I say?”

And before the dust had settled on that little tiff, in came those amazing Hindus.

While the crowd loved the act and Simon and Sharon also seemed to be on board, it was Howard who proved a little harder to convince.

Howard: “I don’t know - it just seemed a little introspective to me, a little held. Maybe try not to internalize so much next time. I did like the positive attitude, the way you were absolutely certain you’d be coming back. That was good and I hope, for your sake, you’re right.”

And finally the Christians got their turn on stage and it was pretty clear from the very first, ‘Father, Son and Holy Ghost’, they were a crowd favorite. 

But isn’t it just like Simon to go against the crowd?

Simon: “You’re obviously influenced by a lot of different groups and that’s not a bad thing. The Jim Morrisey look for your lead is good, sexy; modern. I did feel the very slow three day section towards the end stretched the patience of the audience, but you had a big finish and that was aaallllmost worth the wait.”

So that’s where things currently stand. Will your chosen religion be in the rapturous final five? They will if you spend  enough money on them, so pick up that phone and dial!  

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