How to become famous on the internet.

I've worked in television for many years. I've sat in on casting decisions of famous faces, before they were famous and I always marvelled at the way a room of less than photogenic souls could so easily pick faults with seriously good looking people. On one occasion, a young actress, who has since gone on to gain fame, was one of two left in the mix after a series of long auditions. It came down to, "The one with the lazy eye, or the one with the crooked teeth." Their talent was equal, so were their ages, either would have been a terrific fit for the role, but in the end  it came down to a superficial question based on looks.

Television is a tough business. Just look at the news reporters and stop for a minute to consider how many of those reporters fall into the 'good looking category. Consider how many very talented young journalists are passed over because of the girl with the model looks or the guy who is tall dark and handsome.

The internet has been a revelation. It chose its celebrities for many years on nothing more than people's interest in whatever that person chose to do. Some were instantly famous - some infamous. The first time I remember online fame was the Star Wars Kid.

Since him there have been too many to count. Here's a few of my favourites - and everyone else's.

Starting with...

Susan Boyle.

Evolution of dance

David home from the dentist

Torn

Chad Vador sings Chocolate Rain

Even old classic moments from TV could be called up at will on the 'on demand' media of the internet.

Tim Conway's Elephant story

The internet was run by clicks, people choosing what they wanted to watch, when they wanted to watch it. It has given us the best of entertainment on offer from around the world for over five years, making stars of those with genuine talent, or terrible talent or just some quirky story to tell.

Charlotte and Jonothan from 2012 season of Britain's got Talent.

And it made stars of people who thought they had talent, but failed, and they failed because enough people around the world wanted to see the disaster as it happened. The wannabe artist had let their creation go viral and be judged and lampooned by anyone who wanted to take a jab. Brave, but foolish. Better to be in on the joke than to be the joke.

But the internet's brave new world of selective viewers could never last. Like so many other great things, they are great until they become mainstream and while there are still things to like about them when they reach that level of popularity, they eventually fall into line with the worst aspects of why the main stream, ruled by the masses, like and dislike things.

Boy bands are a great example of this phenomenon. They have for years shown us that you really don't have to be great musicians if you want to be successful, you have to look good and be well marketed - that means being seen by the maximum amount of people. People, especially young girls looking for a non threatening romantic attachment, will instantly be attracted to pretty faces and fall into line with the stories of those involved and by songs well marketed towards them. In the end these packaged young testosterone filled bands will make their managers, agents and eventually, the artists, very rich, by treating those involved like a product to be marketed and sold to the widest audience possible.

So now we reach a new age for the internet, where the same principles that have applied to TV for the last 40 years are being called into play. The good looking have a far greater chance to succeed. Any kid in their teens, or even a very cute pre-teen, can post something on the internet and be discovered by fans looking for someone to connect with. The fans project and believe in the personality being portrayed and fall in love with whoever it is. The slicker people are at marketing an image, the more successful they'll be, even if the image is a totally false one.

The first internet superstar will be a label always worn by Justin Bieber. I'm not a Bieber hated because I think he's talented and you only need to look at the raw talent of his first video posts to see that. Before the managers and producers began polishing and marketing him.

                                                                       Justin Bieber Busking

But there are countless others who have found fame - some a little some a lot. They posted themselves and found fans around the world, largely because the rawness of the internet made it hard for young kids to present an image that had been manipulated by professionals. We were being invited into bedrooms to see people chat without someone telling them what to say - and that honesty and vulnerability made us fans.

Charlie McDonnell - AKA Charlie is so cool like

And good luck to those every day folks who claimed their fifteen minutes of fame. Some faded, but others have turned it into a good earner, a career or just enjoyed the celebrity and had fun with it.

But last week the first in a new phenomenon has occurred on the internet. A star has been born for doing nothing. He didn't even mean to be photographed - yes, I'm talking about the 'incredibly photogenic guy' now - known to be Zeddie Little from New York.

He entered and ran in a 10k fun run and someone, unknown to Zeddie, took his picture. Then someone posted that picture to Reddit, the internet's version of a directory of cool new stuff, and from there people began clicking on the image and it spread like any viral disease - exponentially. And the people liked what they saw. He became the subject of adoration, jokes, captions and stories about why, in the midst of a whole bunch of sweating straining people, he could look like a GQ model.

Then the humour that so many people have hidden within, the creative genius that is let loose when it is allowed to express itself anonymously through the internet, got going because of the silliness of how Zeddie had found fame and the 'Incredibly photogenic guy' memes popped up everywhere.

So we come back to exactly where I started and that is the internet has now come to prove what TV executives and networks, through  research and focus groups, have known for decades. A great face is the most important thing to get an audience tuning in. Idol, X Factor and 'Got Talent' shows use the exact formula - if the person is attractive they are 50% there. A great story to back up their looks and make us like or feel sorry for the person, add another 25% to the likeability scale - give them talent as well and they become a triple threat and nothing will stop them. 

The ideal age to be discovered and touched by fame is 14 to 19, but remember, a person only needs too look that age, they don't actually need to be that age - a fact many TV execs can attest to. It's better to be a teenage guy than a girl because the teenage female fans are far more focused than the boys. The teenage girls looking for fame seem to be the best targets at gaining the ire and hatred of fans. So if you're looking to get noticed for the worst song ever, find a teenage girl, the better looking the better. Write them a song with a simplistic tune and lyrics that makes a poem by Paris Hilton look like a Pulitzer contender.

 

If you really want to make people hate you - get two hot girls, who can't sing but think they can, write them a bad song and make the lyrics paint them as pretentious, petty, and vacuous, riding in a limo and complaining how tough their lives are because of a non existent problem. And watch the hits keep coming!

If you look too young for puberty to have set in, there's no sex appeal. You may be considered cute, but looking pre-pubescent makes people liking you feel like they're doing something wrong. Looking past about 22 and, unless you've got something serious to say, or a stand-out talent, it's a little try hard. 

If you're a song writer, feel free to record your songs and put them online, see how many hits they get. Then go find a willing teenage guy with a pretty face who can do the song justice and put that online - you may have just created the next Milli Vanilli. - those faces sold millions and a won a Grammy before the internet! I'd love someone to do this experiment and see what happens. Come on all those 20+ talented singer songwriters - take the challenge and see what happens!

And of course the last thing to remember is that you need, at all costs, to come across as if you aren't looking for fame or recognition. If you're a singer, vlogger, or any other internet hopeful, recording from a bedroom or with parents or housemates poking their heads in is an ideal formula. Use makeshift equipment that tells people whatever it is you're doing is a hobby, a passion and fame isn't your goal but getting your message, your voice, your skills recorded is - even if no-one ever sees you. The more you look like you don't care, the more it looks thrown together and unrehearsed, even a mistake and an embarrassed laugh from you, the more the internet will love you.

If you can manage to get someone else, totally removed from you record it and get it on the net like you never even intended it to be seen, a naughty little brother with a recorder, you're 90% home.

This is one of my all time favourites - totally orchestrated, the whole family is in on the series which now is over 18 separate videos of this supposedly insane teenager freaking out. Brilliance! And notice how in the middle of his tantrum, his shirt comes off to show off how attractive he is. There's the formula used on TV with teenage guys for years!

The last thing to remember about fame via the internet - it's fickle. Just like those cheating on a relationship, the thrill is in something new, not about disliking the old. 

I hope Zeddie enjoys his 15 minutes. His response on twitter and tumblr makes him seem like a very genuine nice and humble guy. My guess is you'll see him next on Dancing with the stars or being fired by the Donald on celebrity apprentice - because he now qualifies as a star - at least an internet star. But he wouldn't be the first and he surely won't be the last to slide out of the net and go mainstream.

A few more Internet greats - just for everyone's enjoyment!

Big Business Vs The 99%!

I had a friend who told me the best years of his working life were when he went to work in a small start up company where the people in charge were working to create something out of love and a passion for the product. Working conditions were great and anything anyone did that contributed to the advancement of the product was recognised, understood and rewarded.

This is the story of every company ever created. First generation management are glorious. During those times when they still aren't sure if they are going to survive, thrive or die, all they can do is strive to produce the best product they can and hope the market rewards them.

When the market does, they celebrate and often those original employees get some of the riches as the company goes from success to success.

But now the company's successful and the original manager/owner has been working hard for 10 years. The passion's waned and the product hasn't altered its successful formula in a number of years. And an offer comes in from Richard Head of Richard Head industries, a multi national company and they offer to buy the small startup for 10 million. The company founder and owner sells - why wouldn't he? He knows the company's overpriced at the price, he knows all the hidden problems and the likelihood that their unchanged product may become less successful over time.

Now the second generation managers roll into town. They usually come with a management expert at the helm who knows and cares about only one thing, numbers on a balance sheet. Any excess gets cut. People's jobs get doubled up. Office space is halved and hallways suddenly become open plan offices. In fact every worker below those making the office layout decisions are forced into open plan offices, under the con that open plan helps employee communication and peer learning. The truth is open plan layouts make people less inclined to waste working hours checking facebook, if you can be seen at all times you are likely to work at a higher efficiency and this is all new management care about. The fact open plan offices  rob a person of privacy and self worth isn't even considered.

So now we're ready for third generation company management and all those that come after. Introducing Hugh Janus. He comes into a system already bastardized by the second generation of managers, he has little idea of the product or how its made. All he cares about is that it keeps getting made at the lowest possible price and then sold at an even higher markup profit. He's not interested in the rights or happiness of the employees, short of making sure they get the job done and should one quit he's happy to hire another and rush them into service to learn on the job. All the time the product gets smaller, is of poorer quality or delivers  less while the price goes up.

This company has now reached the fuck you stage or a company's life. This stage comes well after the original creators and owners of the company have moved on, after every single dollar that can be saved has been saved and after the company has been listed on the stock market making managers huge profits along with initial stock owners. But the most glaring attribute of the fuck you phase of a company's life is the fact they couldn't care less about the individual purchaser. They only care about the many. If there's bad press or some other reason customers band together and make demands on mass, management will front the media and get their publicity spin working. This is something all of us are now familiar with because we see it so often. A company who is suddenly facing bad press because of something done in the normal day to day operations of their business, that for some reason attracted media attention, triggers a response from the company's PR face who stands and shouts loudly how, "We (this company) is shocked by this and we're taking steps to makes sure it never happens again, and by the way we sponsor a rainforest and saved this puppy from being euuthanized." But one customer no longer matters because these companies deal in tens of thousands of customers. Everyday they gain hundreds more - so dropping a few who become disgruntled along the way isn't any big deal.

The problem I have, is that I can't see a solution. Once companies get too big to care about the individual, they are big enough that we need them more than they need us. Once this happens they can change their product in any way they want. They will have squeezed out all other opposition so their's will be the only widget left to buy. It may be dangerous, life threatening, over priced and such poor quality it lasts for only one use - but what choice do we have other than to use it?

We stand at the counter and scream in frustration.
"I've shopped here for X years and you have no idea how much money I've spent in this store - well, no more. You'll be sorry, because you're losing a very valuable loyal customer."
And out the door we stomp - point well made.

The reality is, you might just as well have gone to the Grand Canyon, thrown a grain of sand over the edge and screamed at the river below to get ready to stop flowing.

The pessimist in me fears this is what the 99% are doing.
The optimist hopes they can move a mountain.

Compliments don't make Racism go away!

I'm coming to understand my own views about what racism is. What prejudice is, what bigotry of all kinds is. We are moving towards a better understanding of each other, but we are doing it slowly, like the relentless creep of a glacier. You only need to take a look at the decades and the views held to know this is true. The TV show Mad Men is not just great drama, it’s a chance to look with horror at who we were only a short time ago.

My Grandfather's generation is racist. His parents and school taught him people of dark skin were inferior to white skinned people. He was taught to fear the 'yellow peril' of Asian nations as the Japanese threatened to invade and inflict atrocities on the men and women they captured as prisoners of war.

It's not good enough to dismiss and excuse this generation because they're from a different age. But we do. We laugh off the incredibly offensive comments because Granddad has become inoffensive as dementia makes him more and more obsolete to any intelligent debate.

But should we allow it to slide without comment?

There is great acceptance and humour to be had in second hand bigotry. Ricky Gervaise, Chris Lilly, Little Britain and many others have discovered the freedom a character gives to get politically incorrect laughs out of material that, owned directly, would damn their career.

A woman who throws up because a person of a foreign country has baked the cookie she’s just eaten is so shocking it’s funny. The comedian is not saying foreigners are so disgusting they can't bear to risk eating something they’ve touched – they’re saying the humour is in a women existing who is so bigoted she has this reaction.

Ricky Gervaise would never knee a dwarf in the face. But the character he plays would. In fact, Ricky is smart enough to remove himself twice from the insult. First the character he plays, in whatever incarnation, is the one doing the offensive thing. Second, that character didn’t mean to do it. It's all a misunderstanding that's come about through a series of unfortunate events. And people howl with laughter. In Ricky's case they laugh three times: once because the character mistakenly gets labeled as insensitive. (How embarrassing for them!) Secondly, because of what the character does in the moment, (He lifted his knee to protect himself and accidently kneed the dwarf in the face – that’s awkward!). Third, because an outrageous social misdemeanor has been perpetrated - (A dwarf got kneed in the face). So now twice removed from something socially offensive, even the people who find dwarf abuse funny get to laugh with Ricky. Same goes for racism, homophobia, handicapped issues, sexism and all the other group injustices out there. It’s a loophole that gives us license to laugh.

For a long time I’ve been trying to work out where I stand on this incredibly complicated issue. It is complicated. Political correctness made it complicated. There are still people who are bigoted and don’t care. We also have bigots who are ignorant of the fact they are bigots and others who dismiss complaints as being overly sensitive.

As a gay man I have faced condemnation from family, friends and strangers. I’ve listened to kids and adults alike allow ‘so gay’ to become part of the lexicon. A phrase that means something isn’t enviable, isn’t masculine, isn’t the sort of thing a ‘self respecting’ person would want to be seen doing/wearing/saying. And if you raise the issue and declare you’re not happy about it being used, you get dismissed because, Gay is not being used in the same way that it refers to people - silly!

The same argument was used and shown to be ill informed with words like Jewish and others. Because words have power and they do inform and guide our social thinking and agendas.

And no, none of these issues are alike, nor do I compare them. Being of a race, or having a disability, or being a male or a female, being gay or straight – none of these things are like the other. They get grouped together and argued for or against in the same breath simply because they are subsets of our whole. We all fit into groups within our larger group and we all suffer positive or negative discrimination because of these groupings. Whatever religion you are, places you in a group – and even being atheist puts you into one of those groups – you cannot escape being grouped even if your group is defined as ‘others’ – you’re still in a column.

Every one of these groups can and does attract behaviour that is inclusive of and restrictive of opportunities being offered by a bigoted world. There are times in your life where you will have been judged, for good or bad, because you’re part of a group and that group is seen to share traits. These commonly perceived behaviour patterns will be transferred onto you.

You are Christian? Therefore you think and behave in a certain way. It’s so simple and it makes so much sense. It’s the perfect system for our simple Disneyesque black and white world.

Why is bigotry of any kind such a complicated and decisive issue and why is it so hard for us to come to terms with and understand?

I ask these questions because I keep hearing good intentioned people being interviewed and trying to make positive statements that end up far worse than saying nothing at all.

It often happens with leaders who get asked difficult questions about a ‘socially sensitive’ minority within a society that is often denigrated or causes social friction to the majority by their very existence. The socially conscious leader of the community tries to use the opportunity to make a positive contribution.

How many times have you winced when someone began by assuring you some of their best friends were of a particular kind? Or they’ve gone so far as to declare that they aren’t prejudice against a group… but…

Racism, sexism, denial of human rights against any group is illegal. It’s wrong. It’s antiquated and will slowly become something belonging to past generations.

But we have to stop grouping people as if that group makes a significant comment towards its members in any way before that can happen.

Australian Aboriginals can be proud of their incredible abilities and contribution across many sporting fields in Australia. This is said so often it has become law in this country. Few ever consider that it’s a key to how a person thinks. It’s racist. It’s not true. It’s a grouping that needs to stop. Australian aboriginals can be proud of individuals who have brought pride to our country through sporting achievement.   

Those people, like any other, reached the top because of their own individual abilities and hard work.

Asians aren’t smart because they’re Asians – the Asian’s who are smart got that way by working damn hard. Australian Aboriginals are not gifted because of some magical gene that gives them a sporting talent above others – they are gifted because as individuals they had a talent and then worked hard to make the most of that talent. There are just as many dumb Asians and un-athletic Aboriginals as there are those who are gifted.

The reason those who try to make a positive comment towards the debate of race, or acceptance towards a group of any kind, fail is because they keep using the group.

We’re individuals. We all fit into many subsets within a larger group that makes up our communities, our cities, our countries and our world. Within those groups are individuals who are incredible role models, who are leaders, who are great men and women to be admired and to aspire to. There are just as many who are law breakers, lazy, lowlife good for nothings who serve as a warning against taking the easy or disreputable path in life. But these people too are individuals. They didn’t end up where they are because they are part of a subset of society. They ended where they ended through opportunity and individual choice.

Prejudice and injustice towards people comes from treating people as their neighbour. We are all individuals and two identical people, with like backgrounds, experience and opportunities can and do end up at different ends of the social spectrum regarding success and failure. How do you place their group? Is the group lazy or hard working, smart or dumb, honest or lawless? Because those two people, at opposite ends of the social spectrum, come from the exact same group. And this example occurs in every group, across every walk of life.

As long as we insist on trying to find connections and similarities in each other based on arbitrary factors, we will have bigotry, racism, prejudice and injustice. It doesn’t matter how good someone’s intentions are or how positive a compliment is being made – if it’s being made to a group because of the actions of an individual or a few from within that group, it represents a prejudicial remark against the whole. The speaker believes all people of that subset share like attributes.

That’s where the complication and difficulty comes from in the politically correct debate. That’s where the humour comes from in comic sketches using characters who take this notion to the extreme. But it’s also what we have to come to terms with if we are going to break the cycle.

Nothing should be assumed of anyone until they are met and understood as an individual. Once that is done I have no problem with them being labeled stupid, lazy or dishonest, to be lauded as hard working, inspirational or a genius intellect. But wait until you have the facts on a person first hand. You still may be wrong about them, some people don’t make a great first impression, others talk a great game but can’t play at all, but for the most part, there’s a greater chance you’ll know them better given you’ve considered them first hand.

Credit for actions, good or bad goes to the individual. Any other view makes a person ignorant of what prejudice is. 

Corporations are People - Sociopathic People.

Corporations are immoral. They have no conscience or consideration of right and wrong of or for the individual. They only care about their financial bottom line and growth and because of this they only care about the masses.

The masses can alter their fate, an individual is powerless.

One vote, one customer, one injured party in a sea of millions doesn't warrant a sideways glance. No-one fears a snowflake, only the avalanche gets attention.

The masses are not ten, not one hundred; not even one thousand. 

A thousand like grievances joined together as one will be noticed and hushed, but not for their complaint. They will be dealt with and hidden as quickly and as inexpensively as possible because they are the first carcinogenic cell that could multiply to threaten the corporate life.

Alone an individual is a single voice shouting into a canyon. It takes a chorus of tens of thousands, or a sympathetic media to amplify that song of complaint so it is loud enough to be heard.

The media commands public opinion, it informs and guides, like a brain with the body of a billion thoughtless cells that follow and submit to suggestions and thoughts formed and sent from above.

Thank God for the new social medias of Twitter and Facebook because the old media platforms have become themselves corporately corrupted and molded by financial objectives. This old media has lobotomized itself in a quest to offend no-one and gain ratings at any cost.

How sad that for so long we abstained from personal responsibility and allowed the corporate voice of network manipulation and greed to guide us down a path that is paved with gold only for them.

How sad that an industry that had the power to do so much good has slunk to its belly and settled on making arbitrary decisions born from the pen of accountants, rather than forging a brave new world in a forward backward path that the artist should have led.

How sad that we allowed them to become so powerful before we took a stand.

But it is not simply the old media that has caught this corporate tunnel vision of purpose. Ring any multinational company and press their automated buttons spruiked by their recorded voice menu. Time the difference it takes to get a response to a request for anything compared to the time it takes that same company to respond to a call to pay money or give them new business.

Corporations are people. But they have been poorly raised and are now spoilt children who only know how to take graciously. When it comes time to give they can only throw tantrums and elicit an age old immature doctrine: if can’t get what I want, no-one will.

Despite social media’s desperate attempt to allow a single voice to be heard, that single voice is only sounding a final shuddering death rattle. The individual is dead. A single person no longer matters to the one percent.

We are in the age of spin and insincerity. We are in an age where only the fewest of the few are, in the long run, treated fairly by large corporations. As customers we are bled and fed just enough to keep our blood flowing into their wealthy coffers. As workers we are pushed and stressed and cruelly convinced loyalty and long service is valued and rewarded. There is nothing worse than seeing the crushed spirit of a worker who discovers their life’s work and effort has been rewarded with a pink slip that ends a career without even a name behind the decision.

It’s easy to steer a ship in calm weather. But the narrow minded and selfish spirit of these new ‘people’ never learn that in calm weather it’s important to bond a crew who have the skills, courage and loyalty to save the ship when the next storm blows from the far horizon.

Corporations are now legally people of the United States of America according to that country’s Supreme Court. But until those newly born corporate souls grow up and gain the maturity that allows them to think and feel like a person, with choices swayed and prayed for with a conscience and an empathetic soul, they will continue to be the modern scourge and we should all beware.

There could be no poorer teachers for future generations than the corporate giants that have been brought up to scream for everything and are prepared to give nothing back unless there’s a bigger upside in doing so.

Multinationals may be people, but they are at best sociopaths who should be evaluated, diagnosed and treated for their personality disorders quickly before they deliver a final fatal blow and we all suffer at their hands.

Greed - The Enemy of Poverty

Greed is taught.

There is the problem and downfall of man and our attempts at civilisation. Look at it, analyse it, debate it and as much as we'd love it not to be true - it is. It's in us all as part of human nature and the reason we are not yet succeeding to live together with any sort of harmony.

We're all born with an element of greed. It's an instinctual need to get the necessities of life: food and warmth. These things we fight for instinctively. There's no shame in a basic human want to survive. But as children, once we have a full belly, we rest. Once we find warmth we sleep. It takes time to learn that a year comes with seasons and if we don't squirrel away food in spring we'll go hungry in winter. If we don't build a house that shields from harsh winter storms before they hit, we'll never see the winter break. So we start to do these things because we have a brain large enough to work out our needs in advance. And the animals around us have brains similarly able to work this out as well.

But man's brain is bigger. It reacts not just to instinct and ways to solve a seasonal shortfall, but also to opportunity. It sees machinations many moves ahead and can adapt and prepare for these as well. 

 

"If I squirrel away resources, above the level I need, I can sell them to those who run short when the resources are in demand." 

"If I could squirrel away all the resources then others would have no choice but to buy from me at whatever price I set."

I have no real problem with this. It's a conservative view I admit. It's not pretty, but you can't set up the game and then cry foul because some learn to play it too well. Well done to the smart, industrious souls who worked out how to rape spring to put away all it had to offer and sell back to others in winter.

The problems begin when you bring in the exceptions. For a man who works hard and gains an oversupply for himself should be able to benefit from the resale to others when those resources are needed and in demand. But what if they're needed by a family who fell sick in spring. A father who lost his wife in labour and then spent his spring caring for a sick infant. And what if that man and his young child are neighbours. Now we have an exception. Of course he should be given a free handout from the oversupply. How could anyone be so heartless not to be charitable in this situation?

What about the nineteen year old who spent his summer drunk and partying, he, of course, gets turned away. Because he has long hair and is a vegetarian - need I say more? So now, in simplest terms we have a government. A group of the powerful with the means, who decide who gets help and who does not, based on any number of flexible, moveable agendas. (Although vegetarianism should always be pretty much a deal breaker)

And the exceptions get more complicated. And those with the oversupply get more obstinate. They want and are happy to give money to the needy, but they want it to be their choice who those needs are and what criteria 'needy' is judged on. 

In the US more is given to Charity by the wealthy than at any time in history and yet tax rates are at historical lows and any talk of increasing them meets with extraordinary opposition. There's no dispute we need to contribute money to fix our global problems, that's clear from the charitable donations. But it's also clear there is no faith in the decisions makers to be trusted to do the right thing with money raise. So the wealthy would rather donate and decide themselves than allow a democratically elected government make those decisions for them. Are we head back towards an elite monarchical state that is governed not by birthright but by bank balance?  

There comes a time when people are faced with a genuine choice about how to right this global ship we're all afloat in. There is a distinction between a genuine and non genuine choice - for instance, to liberate Iraq was a non genuine choice. There was and is a huge economic advantage to invading this country so rich in oil. Had we definitive proof of weapons of mass destruction being used - the choice would have become genuine. But a hunch, from a source that's sort of usually accurate isn't enough to overcome the cynicism of world who knows how much an invading country would reap from the invasion.

A genuine choice is more like the one made to ignore the plight of the decades long civil wars in Africa where genocide was and is still being carried out.

Eventually, in a world that can never give itself to deliver justice, injustice is done. It may simply be to allow one young person to go underfed. This can be followed through to any degree, one person underfed becomes a hungry childhood where a brother or sister died through illness exacerbated by malnutrition. Suddenly the childhood grumble has become a bitter hatred. Force that young person to walk past a gilded department store every day and stare through grand windows at food overflowing the shelves - and I guarantee you are sowing the seeds for a personal revolution. It may not be in every child that becomes an adult, in fact it's likely many will be beaten down and lack any real driving force from the fight just to survive, but some will vow to walk into that shop as an equal, a few will vow to own the store and eventually one, so numbed by learnt lessons to the falseness of giving importance to moral right or wrong - will form their own empire and rule it to make wealth beyond the needs of millions and still call it their own.

Greed is learnt. It is taught. It is a lesson that applied in moderation allows young people to find a will and a spirit to achieve great things. But shown without its politically correct, presentable attire, teaches the falseness of moral karma, the apathy to empathy and the falseness of a good deed being repaid a thousand times.

So what is the answer? We could make sure we only teach the 'right' amount of greed. But then we arrive back at our rules and exceptions. Who decides who gets what and how much? Because this will in turn allow the lessons and scope of those lessons learnt. And will we truly blanket our decision without an eye to benefit for sacrifice. Will we feed Africa without a return? Will we be neutral with the rich middle east when opportunity to exploit arrives? 

It does seem, as much as everyone tries to deny it, the world is like a human body. And every organ needs to be healthy to allow the whole to survive and thrive. At the moment the organs that deliver joy are getting all the attention - has it ever been different? Show me one person on a death bed ever rejoicing because the 'glamour' organs are all still intact.

There are protestors now in cities around the world calling for change, to stop the flow of power and wealth from pooling in ever more increasing percentages at the very top of society. It's a mighty quest. And it can work if we understand that change comes so slowly it can't be seen. The protests do nothing but change the view by a degree of those watching on. So they don't even notice they have changed in thinking by a degree and the next big push will see another degree given. 

Eventually the degrees will have us facing the right direction where we don't regard a financial institution as being too big to fail. An institution that pushes paper money from one account to another at ever increasing price; an institution that fluffs a dollar until it can be trimmed to line a pocket; an institution that contributes not one ounce of product to a standard of living anywhere in the world - this is currently the institution we as a race, decided by those we elect, consider too big to fail. A nation of African's, of real people, men, women and children with bloated stomachs and gaunt faces that look to cameras with incredulous eyes wondering who it is that could possibly want to look at them die from the luxury of a lounge room or a dentist's waiting room - that is not yet an institution we as a race consider worthy of a bailout. And let's remind ourselves the financial bailouts of the past years could have fed the world in real goods many times over. The war fought in Iraq could have done the same. But we remain stoutly adhered to the lessons we have all learnt so well and for now, we stay well fed.

  

Greed is taught. And it's a lesson that history shows us leads to devastating results.

My girlfriend was a lady boy!

I've decided to record my stand-up routines on this blog. The following has been performed a number of times in various forms. This is based on those routines, although altered fairly significantly because stand-up's advantage is the unexpected flow created with an audience's reaction.

For those wondering why I'm suddenly straight when I do stand-up - I'm not, I do have a number of routines that I'll get to in time that deal specifically with being a 'straight' acting gay man. Interestingly these routines are always difficult as stand-up because most men in the audience find it confronting to have a gay man comment on how confusing the signals are that straight men give off these days about sexuality - the 'metrosexual' generation. I've been told many times when I do stand-up that if I suddenly drop the 'oh by the way, I'm gay' line half way through, the audience get so thrown expecting it to be a joke set-up, that they stop listening to what I'm saying. So often, like with this routine, it's simply easier to pose as a straight man and let the chips fall where they may.

Enjoy!

I recently turned 42 and suddenly realised -
"Oh, my God, I've forgotten to have a mid-life crisis."
So I immediately made plans to rectify this situation, because every-one knows that a life's not complete without a crisis midway.

I made a list.

First thing I'd need to do is quit my job. But then I remembered I work as a writer for television and therefore lose my job on a regular basis. At the time I was working on a show called The Bounce, an Australian football show mixing sketch style comedy and sports interviews. The network showed a great deal of faith in the show and held off cancelling it until after the fifth episode.

Job - check.

Next I'd need to make some changes to my life that were completely age inappropriate. I had no idea sports cars were so expensive. I tried sagging my pants, but when your stomach is bigger than your ass, sagging isn't sagging. Once those bad boys drop below the central meridian they're headed all the way to the floor. I did the next best thing. I jumped online and started dating a Thai Go-Go dancer. Awesome! None of the mid-life crises I'd ever heard of included that sort of stupidity. I was off to a great start!

In her photos and through her poorly connected Skype, I could see her long blonde hair, her long legs and glitter in the most extraordinary places. Perfect. Now all I had to do was get her to Australia to assure everyone I was deep in the midst of one almighty mid-life crisis. I was sure my rendering of this classic phase would become the stuff of legends. In years to come, men would discuss it alongside great sporting and drinking achievments of the past. ESPN may even make a documentary about it.

My friends had all gone down the more mundane tracks, buying flashy cars, traded wives in for beauty queens who only remained attractive as long as they didn't speak. I read of a man who took up base jumping and died, but he turned out to be a former lawyer so no-one really dwelled. (There is an interesting issue here: does killing yourself recklessly during a mid-life crisis negate the mid-life crisis and turn it into more of a final last stand. Can the label of a mid-life crisis be correctly applied if the person in question turns out to be at the very end of their life?)

So I paid for a visa and ticket for my dancer to come to visit. I chose Christmas, feeling the arrival of a glitter covered, dyed blonde Thai dancer at the family Christmas dinner would have maximum affect. I should point out here my parents are conservative. My father is a retired surgeon and from a different generation. He remembers a time when his generation led simpler, cleaner, healthier lives. He chooses to forget they also hit women if they annoyed them, reduced whole races to insensitive stereotypes and refused to give Aboriginals the right to vote. Ah, the world was so much simpler then and I felt my dancer at a family Christmas dinner would be a cathartic release against all the things any middle class child holds against their parents for an unhealthy length of time .

I went to the airport to pick up my lovely and stood waiting for what seemed like hours. I received a call from customs to ask if I was serious? I was and they agreed to let her through. In Australia we don't like letting in foreigners who don't look like the Australians who first arrived as convicts and then set about committing genocide. We have very high standards when it comes to the neighbours we're prepared to live next to.

The doors opened and .... dressed in sagging jeans and a tight flat top where her breasts had been, stood a young twenty-one year old Thai boy.
"Mr Scott, I think maybe I forget to tell you everything."
My gorgeous glitter covered Go-Go girl was a boy. I was stunned for a moment, then figured... he is pretty cute and I'm in a bit of a drought. Besides the idea of arriving home with this exotic man on my arm thrilled me. The havoc I could deliver in one single sitting would be truly spectacular!

Now the only other thing you need to know about this story is that my older sister has recently undergone her own midlife crisis and converted to strict orthodox Judaism. She's a lawyer, so no really big changes - won't work on Saturday etc. But this was to be the first Christmas she had agreed to attend since the infamous three year conversion boycott. I believe she wasn't able to attend during those years because she was busy reading texts and precedents to find a valid angle to clear her people of hanging the first recognised Christmas decoration, but I can't be sure.The facts you need to know are that she agreed to come to the family's traditional Christmas dinner after some years away. She did have some stipulations: she'd arrive only after presents had been given and received - because she no longer recognised Christmas as a time to celebrate and she didn't want anyone mentioning ... he who shall not be named.

So that's the stage set. My sister arrived before me. I arrived with my arm around my boy, who stood five foot six or five foot eleven if you counted his gelled hair. His eye-liner and see through string top showed off his many tattoos and his purse went perfectly with his effeminate ways

My father answered the door, took one look at my 'date' and screamed, Jesus H Christ!

At that point my sister took up an extremist position, because she exploded.

Rudd and Gillard - the Jan and Marcia of Australian politics

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Kevin has the glasses, the blonde hair and the same cold dead eyes seeking revenge that haunted the Brady house for so many years.

Once upon a time this Jan in Kevin's clothing was seen as a breath of fresh air. He seemed decent, inoffensive, even passably life like. Then we discovered he was one of those with more than a passing hint of autism alongside above average intelligence that go together like the squares of a Rubik's cube in the hands of a master - which of course Kevin would be. Finished!

If this half gene from an albino man walked into your office to answer a call to fix the computer network, you wouldn't think twice. You'd forgive the socially offensive observation he makes when he greets you with such disconnect, that you assume he's inadvertently labelled you fat by misspeaking. He didn't - you are fat, but he thought he was making charming small talk and has no idea he's plunged you into two weeks of depression.

When Kevin was Jan dressed up as Marcia he sat in his room and gave orders to his sisters to compile reports and form commissions to provide estimates and projections on all things, regardless of whether they could be calculated or not. The reports and commissions protected him from making any real decisions and when he finally had to act it revealed this was Jan and not Marcia at the helm.

Granted, Marcia turned out to be a spectacularly angular bogan, but once she had control of the girl's room, Jan was cast back to the middle bed and told to tow the line. And there this blondilocked not-by-choice virgin sits and plots. One day soon he will have the opportunity he's waited for to deliver a Carrie like humiliating blow to the woman he feels the need to outshine. But will anyone notice the blood red delivered to an already rudely ginger head?

If you understand there is no situation in life that can't be related back to a particular episode of the Brady Bunch, then you'll know there is always the wise counsel of Carol, Mike or in times of desperation, Alice to rely on. The advice this time is that middle child Kevin is destined to live out his days in the middle bed silently cursing into his sheets those words almost as famous as the whole of Macbeth - Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Marcia of course is destined to be the most popular girl in the school. Remembering our Marcia is an Australian, ginger bogan - the corresponding level of popularity places her passed out on some unbelievably cool guy's lounge-room floor with her skirt up, alcopop in hand and a penis drawn on her cheek. When our Julia gets to be the centre of attention she makes so many people happy and deserves her well earned nickname as the lucky count - ry.

She is our Marcia and Jan should come to terms with that. The honest truth is, Australian's would rather have an angular, ginger, bogan as the sister in charge than some socially awkward, albino, number crunching middle child.