Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Rudd and Gillard - the Jan and Marcia of Australian politics

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Kevin has the glasses, the blonde hair and the same cold dead eyes seeking revenge that haunted the Brady house for so many years.

Once upon a time this Jan in Kevin's clothing was seen as a breath of fresh air. He seemed decent, inoffensive, even passably life like. Then we discovered he was one of those with more than a passing hint of autism alongside above average intelligence that go together like the squares of a Rubik's cube in the hands of a master - which of course Kevin would be. Finished!

If this half gene from an albino man walked into your office to answer a call to fix the computer network, you wouldn't think twice. You'd forgive the socially offensive observation he makes when he greets you with such disconnect, that you assume he's inadvertently labelled you fat by misspeaking. He didn't - you are fat, but he thought he was making charming small talk and has no idea he's plunged you into two weeks of depression.

When Kevin was Jan dressed up as Marcia he sat in his room and gave orders to his sisters to compile reports and form commissions to provide estimates and projections on all things, regardless of whether they could be calculated or not. The reports and commissions protected him from making any real decisions and when he finally had to act it revealed this was Jan and not Marcia at the helm.

Granted, Marcia turned out to be a spectacularly angular bogan, but once she had control of the girl's room, Jan was cast back to the middle bed and told to tow the line. And there this blondilocked not-by-choice virgin sits and plots. One day soon he will have the opportunity he's waited for to deliver a Carrie like humiliating blow to the woman he feels the need to outshine. But will anyone notice the blood red delivered to an already rudely ginger head?

If you understand there is no situation in life that can't be related back to a particular episode of the Brady Bunch, then you'll know there is always the wise counsel of Carol, Mike or in times of desperation, Alice to rely on. The advice this time is that middle child Kevin is destined to live out his days in the middle bed silently cursing into his sheets those words almost as famous as the whole of Macbeth - Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Marcia of course is destined to be the most popular girl in the school. Remembering our Marcia is an Australian, ginger bogan - the corresponding level of popularity places her passed out on some unbelievably cool guy's lounge-room floor with her skirt up, alcopop in hand and a penis drawn on her cheek. When our Julia gets to be the centre of attention she makes so many people happy and deserves her well earned nickname as the lucky count - ry.

She is our Marcia and Jan should come to terms with that. The honest truth is, Australian's would rather have an angular, ginger, bogan as the sister in charge than some socially awkward, albino, number crunching middle child.

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