Welcome
back to World’s Got Religion. If you’ve missed any of tonight’s show, let’s do
a quick recap of all the acts trying to win a place in your hearts.
First, we introduce our
judges – Simon Cowell, Sharon Osborne and Howard Stern: forthright, funny and
fair, as always.
Let’s
start with some of the auditions that didn’t go so well, step on up, Hillsborough
Baptist Church.
Howard:
Really? Have you actually listened to how you sound?
Sharon:
I love every one. I think you all know that, but I hated you. With a passion!
Simon:
Get off! Go, now. Try something else, other than religion.
Next
up – Atheists.
Howard:
Stop, stop, stop, thank you. What’s going on? Have they lost your tape or have
you forgotten the words?
Atheist:
This is the act.
Howard:
What? Just sitting there, doing nothing.
Atheist:
I don’t have to do nothing. You want me to do something? Because I can do whatever I want.
Howard:
Is it building up to a big finish?
Atheist:
No.
Howard:
Then what’s the point?
Atheist:
Yes, now you’re getting it.
Then
we had the Amish. Howard and Sharon simply didn’t get it, but Simon, as always,
cut to the heart of the problem.
Simon:
“How are we to know? You refused to use the microphone. We could sort of hear
you, but good luck to any one sitting up the back.”
Next
came the Scientologists
And from our judges.
Howard:
“The equipment, the set up, it all looked fantastic – then Meh.”
Sharon:
“I liked how it was all… shiny.”
Simon:
“Look, guys, it’s pretty clear you’re hearts are in the right place, but faith
isn’t science. You really need to go away and rethink the whole thing.”
The
Rastafarians didn’t even wait for the judge’s vote. They made it half way
through their act before forgetting their words. We think they said something
about food and then wandered off stage. When we caught up with them to try and get
them back out to finish their audition they asked, “What audition?”
And
that left us with the groups who did get our audience on their feet, chanting,
clapping, screaming Hallelujah.
First
up Judaism;
Our Judges said:
Sharon:
“Loved it, really, really good and I can tell you’ve put a long, long time into
getting that right. Well done. If I had to be super critical – not sure about ‘no
bacon’.
Howard:
“You had me before you even walked on. This is for me. I honestly tried not be
drawn in to what you were doing for a whole bunch of reasons, but in the end,
what can I say, Mazel tov.”
Simon:
“Yeaaaaah, good. But it’s almost the same act as some of the others we’ve seen.
And those acts brought a lot more color and movement; the Pope with his red
shoes and pointy hat for instance. It might just be a presentation issue. I don’t
know. I guess a lot of people do like the older material. I’m just worried you
may be splitting the vote. Still, good job, yo from me.”
And
what is our show without some controversy between judges? It all started when Howard
said some things that lit up the social media networks. Here’s what happened
after the Buddhists finished their act:
Howard:
“I know I’m going to get in trouble for this, but the elephant in the room is you; the
big half naked guy in the middle. You have a weight problem, Sir.”
Simon:
“Oh, come on. What does that matter?”
Howard:
“You’d be happy to look at that tummy every day?”
Sharon:
“I think it’s a cute tummy.”
Simon:
“Looks aren’t what matters. This is about performance, besides everything can
change.”
Howard:
“And if he changes he’ll alienate the chubby chasers who already like him.”
Simon:
“Any weight he loses may improve his performance, change doesn’t mean loss.”
Howard:
“I just see a fat man in a caftan.
Simon:
“Then I suggest you look a little deeper.”
Sharon:
I do like the orange though. I’d keep that.
Fortunately
for everyone things quickly settled down as the big acts just kept coming. We
had the Muslims and there very charismatic central figure.
And they found a friend in Sharon.
Sharon:
“I loved it, spot on: peace, good will, help the poor. You were the absolute
bomb!”
Simon:
“Oh Sharon, come on! Think about what you’re saying! For God’s sake, don’t just
blurt things out.”
Sharon:
“Why? What did I say?”
And
before the dust had settled on that little tiff, in came those amazing Hindus.
While the
crowd loved the act and Simon and Sharon also seemed to be on board, it was Howard
who proved a little harder to convince.
Howard:
“I don’t know - it just seemed a little introspective to me, a little held.
Maybe try not to internalize so much next time. I did like the positive
attitude, the way you were absolutely certain you’d be coming back. That was
good and I hope, for your sake, you’re right.”
And
finally the Christians got their turn on stage and it was pretty clear from the
very first, ‘Father, Son and Holy Ghost’, they were a crowd favorite.
But isn’t
it just like Simon to go against the crowd?
Simon:
“You’re obviously influenced by a lot of different groups and that’s not a bad
thing. The Jim Morrisey look for your lead is good, sexy; modern. I did feel the
very slow three day section towards the end stretched the patience of the
audience, but you had a big finish and that was aaallllmost worth the wait.”
So
that’s where things currently stand. Will your chosen religion be in the
rapturous final five? They will if you spend enough money on them, so pick up that phone
and dial!
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